Vsetky vtipy,srandicky sem - I

Jedu domu autobusem.
Autobus je preplneny, takze vzdam razeni listku a chci poprosit pani prede mnou, aby mi orazila.
Ale jak ji nejlepe oslovim? Budu ji tykat anebo vykat?
Na predposledni zastavce nevystoupila, takze jede az na zastavku posledni. Poradne si ji prohlidnu. Ma sebou lahev vina, takze jede urcite k nejakemu muzi. Ta lahev vina neni zrovna z nejlevnejsich, takze to musi byt hezky muz. U nas jsou ale jen dva hezci muzi - muj muz a muj milenec. K memu milenci nemuze jet, protoze tam jedu ja. Takze jede k memu muzi. Muj muz ma dve milenky - Katrin a Andreu. Katrin je na dovolene.
Ja: Andreo, muzes mi prosim orazit listek?
Andrea: Zname se?

"Oco ako som sa dostal na svet?"
"No, dobre, syn moj... raz sme tento rozhovor aj tak museli viest..."
Spoznal som mamu v chatovacej miestnosti.
Najskor, sme se s mamou stretlii v "cyber cafe" a na zachode si mama downloadovala par dat z mojho "memory stick"-u.
Ked sme dokonciil uploadovani, spozoroval som, ze sme predtim neinstalovali ziadny firewall.
Bohuzial uz bolo neskoro na stlacenie "CANCEL" alebo "ESC" a okno "Chcete teraz uploadovat?" sme odstranili hned na zaciatku v "Moznostiach" pod "Nastavenim".
Mamin virus scanner uz davno nebol "updatovany" a s mojim "blaster-worm"-em si neporadil.
Stlacili sme tlacitko "ENTER" a mama dostala spravu "Odhadovany cas stahovania: 9 mesiacov..."

Scorp

Mensi How to... o mensom masakri...citlivym to asi prijde dost krute...

)

<a href="http://obrazky.blender.sk/zvieratka/plisaky179.jpg"> <img src="http://obrazky.blender.sk/zvieratka_thu ... aky179.jpg"> </a> <br>

http://www.blender.sk/node/6

...nekde ve Francii uprostred prvni svetovy vaky proti sobe v zakopech lezej Nemci a Francouzi. Uz pul roku jsou na stejnym miste, ani jedna strana neni schopna prolomit nepratelskou linii... Francouzi uz toho maji po krk, a tak dumaji nad tim, jak Nemce prevezt... Prvni rika:"Hele, me neco napadlo. Snipery mame..." Druhej:"Co, co?" Prvni:"Hele, jaky je necastejsi nemecky jmeno?" Druhej:"Nevim vole, asi Hans ne?" Francouzi po cely dylce zakopu rozestavej odstrelovace a ten prvni zarve smerem k nemeckymu zakopu:"Hans?!?!?" V nemeckym zakopu se postavi chlap, zasalutje a zarve:"Ja woll!!!" Prask!!! Prvni mrtvej Nemec.... A zase:"Hans?!?!" "Ja woll!!!" Prask!!! A dalsi... "Hans?!?!?" "Ja woll!!!" prask!!! Kdyz takhle pokosej asi 30 Nemcu, tak uz to jeden Nemec nevydrzi a zepta se:"kua, jaky je nejcastejsi francouzsky jmeno?" Druhej rika:"Nevim, asi Pierre, ne?" Nemci rozestavej snipery a ten prvni zarve do francouzskyho zakopu: "Pierre?!?!?" Z druhyho zakopu se ozve:"To si ty, Hans?!?!?" "Ja woll!!!" Prask!!!!!!

Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview
in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must
compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and
yellow.

The French was first:
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green
grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."

The Spanish was next:
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and
in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."

Last was the Italian:
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I
pink up the phone and I say Yellow ?..."

http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/07011602.html

galen

a este remake toho anglickeho, jak ho znam ja:
3 men (a Belgian, a German and a French) have an audition for a new job in England. The interviewer tells them:
"OK, you'll have to formulate a sentence with the 3 words: green, pink and yellow."
First, the Belgian says : "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the Pink Panther on TV".
Then, the German: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day".
And the French : "I wake up in ze mornink, I ear ze phone : green... green... green... pink up ze phone and I say "Yellow?"...

Obrázok

Na Siciilii sa kona zraz mafianov. Taliani zistuju, ci su rusi poriadni mafiani:
Taliani: "Zlate retiazky mate?"
Rusi: "Nemame."
Taliani: "A dvojposchodove vily mate?"
Rusi: "Ani to nemame."
Taliani: "A mercedesy mate?"
Rusi: "Fuuu ani to nemame."
Taliani ich za to strasne vysmeju. Po zraze pride rusky bos nasraty domov, zvola si vsetkych a zacne rozdavat rozkazy: "Vsetky tretie a stvrte poschodia z vil zburat, helikoptery popredat, mercedesy nakupit a zlate retaze dat psom z hlav dole, budeme ich nosit my!!!"